Chrysty's Story

I was six, my sister three when my uncle first abused us sexually.  That day changed my life forever.  My grandmother sent us out to play while we were staying with her for a weekend visit.  My grandmother made it very clear that we were to not go beyond the tree in the yard, as this was near the edge of the lake on which they lived. I led my sister down a path to the tree and as we looked beyond, my uncle was there, inviting us to come and join him on a boat.

The next thirty minutes determined my life, and my journey.  My uncle, also a victim of abuse, couldn’t resist the temptation of two little girls.  He succumbed to his own desires and the whispers of the evil one and took us for his own.  He helped us climb into the boat and promised a fun ride with a quick return and a secret we were to hold onto forever.  “Never tell, he said.  Never, or I will kill you and your sister”. 

Uncle Mike placed us on our backs in the bottom of the boat and I remember the fear, the smell of fish and the cold splintered feeling on my back.  I took my sister’s hand and whispered to her “I am sorry”.  I am sorry for leading you here.  I am sorry for helping you into the boat.  I am sorry for saying it will be okay to break the rules.  I am sorry for letting this man hurt us.  I am sorry for changing our life forever.  I am sorry that you were only three.  I am sorry, that we cannot tell, forever, or we will die.

The secret was burned into our minds and into our soul.  There were consequences and so the lie began.  The lie starts the minute you are violated.  My mind became my own battlefield.  What did I do?  How can I forget?  Where was God?  Where were my mom and dad?  Why did this hurt so much?

Sexual abuse produces thoughts and patterns that shape behavior forever.  The lies that were engrained in my own thoughts included that I had not only allowed this, that I had control over this.  Never mind that I was only six!  The lie that God didn’t love me, nor did my earthly father or after all, they wouldn’t have allowed this to happen.  I must have done something to tempt my uncle.

Lack of self-control, eating disorder, sexual promiscuity, depression, and living a secret became who I was.  Secrets multiplied as self-worth dwindled.  I married a young “good” boy in hopes that he would help me look “clean”.  Ten years later and three kids, the depression and secrets became like a thick blanket that I couldn’t escape.  I lived in an imaginary room that allowed me to not be present in my life, and there I was able to escape and live, shut down and isolated.  The lies were not whispered to me, but screaming into my soul, and I wanted out and to die.  From the outside, I had everything.  I had a beautiful family, a church home, a successful job and lived in an upscale neighborhood.  But I felt empty, alone, depressed and angry.  I was hungry for truth, weary of the lie and covered in loneliness and shame.

At twenty-nine and at the end of my self, I sought professional help and a very wise counselor saw my path and patterns.  He asked me during one session if I had any history of sexual abuse and I reported in an angry voice, “no, why”?   He went on to describe how I fit the mold for survivors.  I knew that moment was my day.  My day to trust someone, anyone.  I wanted to tell.  I wanted to live.  I wanted to die.  All at the same time.  Sound crazy?  Well it isn’t crazy, it is normal.  It is what sexual abuse does to you.  This thing or monster gets into your thoughts and crawls in under your skin and convinces you that you are at fault.

Here me now say this….”you are NEVER at fault and you NEVER deserve the abuse, no matter what”.  My journey of re-writing my chatter in my head began that day.  I won’t say it was easy, it wasn’t!  It was work. All you have to do is to decide.  Decide to tell.  Decide to confide in someone safe.  Telling your secret has to happen for you to turn around, to start again and to change your destiny.  Please, please, won’t you trust again?  Your life depends on it. My wish for you is that you start now.  Don’t wait, because as the lie grows, your life is ticking away.

A survivor’s story,

Chrysty